omg cute mustache guy.

I didn't have time to read all of it, especially since I'll have to look up kanzis, but I'll come back later I guess XD I just kinda skimmed it and the original a little... gotta eat soon

ラー I don't think works for Law (I think ロー is used for this, but IDK... I'm sure I've actually heart law Nihongified [LOL] but I don't remember)

For "So, I heard you like... machines?" I think とにかく works better for "So" here, as this "so" is used to change subject to what he really wants, rather than continue from the previous statement or anything. では can also close a previous conversation, but it's for when new activities/conversations are being started that both conversing parties are expecting, I think.

First thing doc says, ここに来た rather than ここに行った, right?

Is there a reason for the モ in でモない (rather than でもない?

You switched to ラア instead of ラー

ラー・オブ…だれ？ is ... really not something I think that would be said at all in Japanese O_o; I think this is really a place where you have to completely diverge from literal stuff. I think in this situation, to get that "comical" aspect that you get from "who," they say stupid things like "is that something you can eat?" or "does that taste good?" or make a bad pun (if I ever told you about "Mustard Sandwhich" XD)

If you don't know anything witty or don't want to include that to capture that 'who'-ness, you can just put って? or ? after the whole thing. Maybe add ナニそれ or just have ナニそれ or something.

アイデア　typo

でも、いいよ is probably more natural for "But it's alright" (near the end)

Maybe use 大会 for "tournament" instead.

Okay, those are kinda out of order sometimes I think. Of course, my Japanese is nothing great, these are just suggestions from a fellow student, not a real critique or anything, of course. So if you don't agree with them then you're prolly right XD

--
g Rod "hing RodCopper Fishin
For fishing.

nvm about ii yo, daizyoubu works just as well there X_X;

--
g Rod "hing RodCopper Fishin
For fishing.

OMG, thank you so much! I pretty much used all your suggestions, except the tournament one. I looked up the kanji you gave me, and it carried the connotation more of a meeting or contest, without the connotation of lots of fighting.

I'm a little pissed about the ロー versus ラー　thing, because now I have to change ALL my translations I've done of the tournament so far, but thanks for the catch.

As for the "ロー・オブ。。。だれ？” thing, I changed it to "ロー・オブ。。。なんだった？” Good?

Thank you so much for the comments. It probably won't get changed here for some time, but it'll make a big difference on the grad application.

--
"Mentality is relative. Perhaps the insane have merely achieved a level of clarity that no one else has." ~me

Webcomic of DOOM: [link]

Yeah, that's cool~~ I will try to look at it more later but now I'mma go sleep I'm glad my comments were to be of some use!

Good job on the thing overall, btw~ I liked the way a lot of things were written. Did you consider making doc talk with "old man" speech (saying zya instead of da, and wasi instead of ore and stuff XDD)? I mean, it's just a stylistic choice; I just like oldman talk XDDDD

OK sleep time. See you at school tomorrow.

BTW I talked to Ricky about scuttling and he said you have to be on all fours and that the motion has to be sort of panicky/random/something like that XDD Like, it can't be skillful?? IDK it was hard for him to explain and even harder for ME to explain XD

--
g Rod "hing RodCopper Fishin
For fishing.

I don't know a lot about old man speech. I'll have to get some pointers from you about it. I probably won't add that to the application piece, since I think that would cross the line of "receiving help" on it. I'm pretty sure small superficial stuff like what I changed is okay, but that's a pretty huge stylistic difference. But, I'd be glad to know more about old man speech in general, both for this and later projects.

--
"Mentality is relative. Perhaps the insane have merely achieved a level of clarity that no one else has." ~me

Webcomic of DOOM: [link]

I've been thinking about this, and I think a lot of it is in speech style that isn't exactly written (intonation and stuff); for example 'o' sounds are usually higher-pitched and sometimes drawn out more.

Some main indicators are using 'wasi' for a first-person pronoun (instead of ore, boku, etc) and 'zya' for copula 'da'. Each vowel sound has its own little change, and sometimes VERY VERY old men (not like in doc's case though) will start to revert to "child speak" with some consonant sounds (I guess this is an indication that they can no longer pronounce them b/c of their teeth being gone or something, idk XDD for example 'ごじゃいます' instead of 'ございます.'

Some other indicators/stereotypes may be vocabulary usage (out-of-date slang, words that 'only old people' would say), increased usage of honorifics/politeness in polite situations, intonation starting from very high pitch and falling throughout sentence -- with a much bigger range than normal, etc.

Oh, also more vigorous "old men" stereotypes seem to roll their r's.

Oh contractions are a big deal... like, some stuff may be drawn out like 分かっている instead of 分かってる (pronouncing the i sound), but stuff like では and なくては seem to ALWAYS be contracted to じゃ and なくちゃ and sometimes even emphasized.

So as far as writing it out goes, you really only have to worry about some vocab choice, and use わし instead of 私/僕/俺 and じゃinstead of だ.

Of course there are variations on old-man speech depending on the character type, but these things are pretty general, especially with friendly old guys. "Bad guys" will have more a "bad guy" speech pattern even if they're old, but might still say じゃ but might refer to themselves as something like この俺様 or something, depending on how the character is supposed to be portrayed.

The best example of old-man speech I can come up with right now is Takao's grandfather in Bakuten SHOOT Beyblade, because I was doing a fansub of that show and had to stop because I couldn't understand anything his grandfather said LOL (he was a main character, too T_T)

I think Professor Oak talks like that, too.

If you can find a manga or game with a stereotypical "old man" character, you might be able to see how they work out writing some of the more subtle differences. I don't think they really have any ways of denoting rolled r's, but for the elongated/stressed vowels they might do something like コォレ instead of これ or something (that's a totally made up guess at something they might do... I kindof doubt they actually do that though XD)

There's an old man in the Legendary Starfy series, and since the game was announced to be coming to America now, I want to play through the first 4 games again (the 5th one is going to be brought here), so I'll check out how he talks and tell you if I find anything interesting.

LOL SORRY FOR THE HUGE RESPONSE.

--
g Rod "hing RodCopper Fishin
For fishing.

Dude, you're awesome. Thanks. I'm sure it'll come in handy some day, and I'm always interested in anything to do with translating. Thanks a ton!

--
"Mentality is relative. Perhaps the insane have merely achieved a level of clarity that no one else has." ~me

Webcomic of DOOM: [link]

You're welcome ♥

--
g Rod "hing RodCopper Fishin
For fishing.